Confusion, confusion

I know a lot of people probably feel the same way as I do, if not all. Have you ever feel that you're being pulled at two opposite ways at the same time? Some might says between good and evil. Some might says between black and white. I don't believe, in people at least, there's pure evil or there's pure good. There're either more evil or more good. Then, some people will say, just follow your heart. Well, my heart will say just stay at home and sleep all day. Some might say, follow your mind. Well, my head said as long as you didn't do anything that cause harm to youself, everything goes. Some might screamed, "Just follow the holy book!! It's the words of God. God can never be wronggggg!!!". Well, I tried my best. But sometimes my best is not good enough.

Let me give you another thing that puzzled me. You always heard people kept saying just be yourself, just be the real you or something like that. But what if, our trueselves is evil? What if our trueselves is child-rapist, serial killer, wife beater, man eater? Can we still be ourselves? If not, then they should add, "Just be your good self" or "Just be the real you that is not evil".

Then, I also wondered about the saying "Everything happen for the best". WTF? Lets take the Tsunami tragedy for example. How in hell, the death of hundred thousands of people will ever be happen for the best? How can people being raped, sodomized and murdered happen for the best? I can still consider "Things happen for a reason", but happen for the best? The guy/girl that come up with that saying must be born rich and good looking and have good luck for the rest of his/her life. Probably died while making love.

I could go on and on and all the confusions would circulating through my mind like toxic waste and form a benign tumor in my brain. God, I just wanna lie down on a field of grass, watching the sky. And slumber...

The Beginning

First entry. Always the hardest one. Staring at the blank page, fingers itching to open a door to a whole new world, or in other words to connect the page to the other world in my mind. It's a simple act to other. Just write (or type). Not for me. Because once I start writing, I couldn't stop. All the words just flow through on and and on again. They doesn't even have to be coherent let alone appropriate. But mostly, there's a lot of stories to tell. And the stories are not even real.

For those who want to read something that can make them happy, amuse or hoping this entry will provide something to fill up their time, you better look somewhere else. This is not a documentation of my private life, nor its some crap I created just for fun. This is more of the documentation of my thought, which doesn't need any format, characteristic or architecture. I rarely express my thought, not because it is useless, wrong or could offend other people. Nor I afraid people would judged me. I kept my thought to myself because it explain so much, it revealed too much. There's a lot of answer that are so obvious and true, that we knew it along but we couldn't accept it. We wouldn't accept it. I'm not saying that I'm wise and everything, but I'm worried that I might make people see things from different perspective, and can make them question what they have believe all their life. No, I'm not a devil worshipper or something like that. I just don't want to be the person who said, "Sorry kid, no one live happily everafter. Everyone will end up dead sonner or later".

Time, time. I want to tell more but time keep pulling me with it's chain. It's hopeless to fight time 'cause it's like trying to dry the ocean using a cup. Anyway, there always be a next time. Now, if only the voices in my head would just shut up.